Friend's Page Colours?

Have the colours on anyone else' friends' page gone all screwey? I've chosen colours for my friend entry's since I started this journal. The last couple days however, they seem to have flipped to random colours. It's kind of odd and disconcerting :P

Are people stupid?

It seems a massive proportion of people want housing prices to come right down. Do they not know that if there was a housng price crash, the economy would also crash. Maybe iof they didn't spend all their money on conventions and getting smashed in central london every 3 weeks, they could afford a deposit on a house.


Shattering my thoughts

So I had a massage from someone today that has kind of left me reeling. It's got a long back story so I've been kind of vague about it so far. However stuff has been playing over and over in my head for the last few hours and so I'm putting all these thoughts down here with the whole backstory for no particular reason except it might help to get my thoughts straight.

Sooo some of you will know that between September 2001 and Sept 2002 I lived in the USA as an Au Pair. I lived with a family and looked after the children, did some housework, cooked for them etc etc. Now the family I lived with were going through a transitional stage. The Children were Jeff who was 7/8 while I was there, and Matt and Alex who were twins 4/5 while I was there. The Mother was Jean. Jean had split from the Children's Father who was called Bill. He lived in the next state over and visited every week. Jean was engaged to her new partner who was called Brett.

Now Brett had three girls from a previous relationship who's names I have forgotten. They were between the ages of 4 and 8 though. Financially both Jean and Brett were well off. Jean a top flight financial auditor who went in and signed off some top company accounts (Harley Davidson and Puma were 2 I knew about) and Brett was a sales manager for some firm or other. The whole year I was there they were having a house built for them, every week or so there was a meeting or phone call about one aspect or other of the new house. They got married the final month I was there, and then a couple weeks after I left Brett, Jean, Jeff, Alex, Matt and the three girls moved into the new house. I never did get their new address or phone number and so from this point I pretty much lost all contact with the family. I did still have their Dad's (Bill's) number. However being as I never really knew when the children would be there with Bill as that was a rare event, on the days that Bill would visit, 95% of the time they would go out somewhere and not really go to his house. I spoke to them one time at their Dad's place. I felt kind of weird just calling him up. So yeah I lost contact and for a decade it was the biggest regret I harbored.

In my opinion, the "step dad" Brett was a colossal cock! He had an air about him that the children were more an inconvenience and would talk over them and brush them off constantly. I'm sure anyone with a modicum of intelligence would realise that the situation was a massive upheaval for a lot of children. While not a bad thing, it clearly caused lots of emotion and stress for the children. They needed reassurance and care. I felt a lot of the time this was left to me. I got on well with Jeff but I wasn't their dad or mum or anything. The twins I also got on well with, save for the usual upset you get with any child you have to say no to now and again. Jean I also saw as a good mother. She worked hard, but she always had time for the kids, would call up to say goodnight to them if she had to work late. Looked after them when she was off work and took them out for meals etc.

A few events struck me that year. Both I wrote about in this journa. The first wasl on Aug 1st 2002:

Brett really annoyed me last night. It's like he's acting like a baby. The kids went out with their dad last night and I had gone out for a drive and got home a few minutes after Bill arrived to drop the kids off. I walked in the door and Matt and Alex were playing with some toys they'd just got and Jeff was out on the porch with Bill talking. He's been having a hard time and really missing his dad and so I knew he was upset that his dad was about to leave. Anyways where was Brett? In the playroom watching tennis. What an idiot. I mean he's about to marry Jean and so Matt Alex and Jeff are his responsibility as well now. Is he going to spend the rest of his life avoiding their dad? Every time Bill comes to their house to pick the kids up is he going to run away? He's done it so far. It's pathetic. But what annoyed me most is once Bill left Jeff was in tears. I had to comfort him do all I can to make him feel better. After a while he was alright. But all this time where was brett? In the playroom watching tennis. Oh and the nail in the coffin? When Jean came home she asked "how was Jeff when Bill left" as I drew in breath to answer Brett said "oh he was fine". AHHHHH damnit you don't even know he was in tears because you were to busy being a pansy ass prick who won't show your face to your step children's dad. I hope Jean kicks his ass sometime soon. I mean it's only a little bit bad right now because I'm here. I'm a good middle man. But seriously I'm here for another 26 days. I feel so bad for these kids. Brett's not a totally bad guy but he's really not thinking about what the boys are going through. I'm worried he's going to turn out like one of those mean step fathers who is distant from the kids and never really listens to them but expects the kids to respect him when he tells them what to do.

The second was the previous Christmas eve:

the kids had been at their dad's house that previous night and were home already with their toys from their dad already opened and strewn over the living room floor (you know how it is) and Jean seemed fine.

then the kids started getting all stressed out and fighting and throwing tantrums and Jean lost it... I mean _lost it_ She didn't know what the heck she was doing... the kids were hungry and they wanted pizza and I swear Jean couldn't even use the phone properly to phone for pizza... and then when she did get a pizza place she was like "yeah can I have two pizzas... just normal pizzas bye". I seriously thought she'd had a breakdown because the kids were acting insane ya know. So I went to call Jean's b/f to come around and while I was doing that the thought suddenly struck me... she must be drunk. I mean it's not at all like Jean to get drunk but the more I thought about it the more I was sure she was. So yeah I called Brett up to come around and then I had to figure out what to do. It sucked because the kids didn't understand that Mummy really wasn't in a condition to think straight. So when I suggest we all go to mcdonalds and 2 kids say yes and one says I'm not going mum says I don't have to... what the heck do you do? In the end I was like okay I tell you what lets all go to dominoes and pick up the pizzas. So all the kids were okay with that. So we went and got some pizzas leaving Jean alone still totally on another planet. When we got back I saw Brett's car was there and he was actually inside taking care of Jean. Apparently she'd gone to bed but was now puking.

So yeah we're all sat down having pizza and the phone rings... who was it? The other pizza place where Jean had ordered from before. Muwahahahaha. Yeah the guy was like "Hi I have an order here for 2 flatbread pizzas and they've been sitting here for about 45 minutes I'm wondering when you're going to pick them up?" I really wasn't in the mood to explain the situation so I was like "no one ordered any pizza from here" and then the guy was like "well _your wife_ called and ordered 2 pizzas" My obvious answer was "I'm 19 and single... I'm just the babysitter" so then the guy was "Oh well one of the kids must've called up" So I was like "You thought it was my wife... I'm looking after 3 boys" so yeah then he got pissed and said something along the lines of "look someone called from your number and ordered 2 pizzas... I'm gonna call tomorrow and speak to the kid's parents because you just don't do that" I didn't know what to say considering it was the kid's mum who ordered the pizza so I was like Okay you do that... you spend Christmas chasing up 2 pizza orders... bye"

Heh I was really pretty mean but I guess I can be excused with all that I'd been expected to do that evening.

On Christmas Morning Jean told me she hadn't been drinking at all and she had no idea what came over her. I dunno if I believe her... on the night of the 23rd Jean opened a 2 litre bottle of white wine and her and I each had a glass from it... I couldn't find it the next night so yeah. I'm not sure what I'd prefer... if it was alcohol then at least I'd feel like it wasn't something to worry about too much. If it was alcohol then it p***** me off that she drank so much and got herself into such a state.

So yeah. Not exactly the end of the world events, but they did annoy me and made me feel sometimes like all was not well. I always felt guilty about loosing contact with the kids.

Anyways over the next few years after I left, I looked for them online, wondering if they were using their birth names, changed them to their step dad's last name etc etc. About a year or so ago I finally found them on facebook. Well Jeff, Matt and Alex at least. Said hi and stuff, Jeff remembers me, not surprisingly Alex and Matt don't as they were still young when I left. Anyways I've kept up to date with Jeff's FB, he's in the Marine Corps now, no longer the 8 year old lad I knew. Smokes, drinks, talks about girls etc etc. Anyways tonight I commented on a post he put up saying that he had spoken to his dad for the first time in a couple months, so remembering how I liked Bill I said something like "say hi to him for me, hope all is well with everyone" from that Jeff sent me a message

Oh my word. It's filled in the last decade and yeah. After I left, as I said they moved into the new house. All three boys were apparently practically ignored for the girls and basically neglected. The boys were subjected to seeing things they shouldn't, such as their mother taking drugs, slipping into alcoholism and sleeping around. It went on for years but all came to a head a few years ago when Alex was apparently sick and Jean refused to acknowledge him. Jeff ended up taking Alex and Matt to his Dad's house and hasn't spoken to his mum since.

Now obviously there is nothing I could do about this, but when you look back I could see this happening, I wish there was something I could have done, I still do. I am not sure what to think and I probably will end up making this entry private because I don't want to air someone else' private problems across the internet. Still though... in shock!

(no subject)

I get home from work and you're still standing in your dressing gown
Well what am I to do?
I know all the things around your head and what they do to you
What are we coming to?
What are we gonna do?

Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home

The troubled words of a troubled mind I try to understand what is eating you
I try to stay awake but its 58 hours since that I last slept with you
What are we coming to?
I just don't know anymore

Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home

I get on the train and I just stand about now that I don't think of you
I keep falling over I keep passing out when I see a face like you
What am I coming to?
I'm gonna melt down

Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home
This is killing me
This is killing me

gush gush gush gush

So it's that time of day again, when I'm physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted from bottling up all that swims around in side me. I hit this point and generally go to bed, letting my mind shut off and sleep wash over me like a wave to carry everything away again for one more day. Dreams gather up my baggage once more and I squash it all back in side ready to do it all once again. Ready to put on that max factor smile. A vinyl facade for the world to see, covering the cracks in an all too weathered inside.

Tonight though I will lay it out. I won't try and hide it, I won't be ashamed of what I am or what I feel.

Yesterday. That is where it all exists. Not Yesterday in a sense of before the sun last came up, but a symbol of a time that once was. I don't know when yesterday started, I don't know when it ended. I just know that it has. Yesterday I started by hiding all these things I hide today. I hid them away daily and let the night wash them away. Yet these things were different then. They were doves, white and graceful, they could soar if I let them, but I was ashamed to let them free. I hid the beauty that was in side. I hid them from everyone.

Then one day, yesterday I let them fly, I let them fly for you. I opened up and you helped me see the beauty in these birds I hid away. How did you do it? I don't know. I guess I just felt able to show you what I am. I gave you a part of me to hold that was never before seen. You took it willingly, you held it and smiled. A smile that melted every barrier I've ever had.

Then as quickly as yesterday started, it was gone. Now I feel like that part of me never left yesterday. It still lives there, trying to find you again. But you left yesterday too. Now I am lost.

I little known fact about me.

I would love to live in America at some point between 1925 and 1960. Living in the industrial age, with all the promise for the future. I don't know why, I'd probably be dirt poor during the depression. However whenever I see an image of that sort of era, I always fall in love with it.

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more here:

Really feeling like I don't belong

In just about everything.

I work a job that I am no good at because I can't balance what I need to do with what I feel I should do.

I feel awkward going out into the world, severe anxiety makes it feel like I am a lamb in a den of lions. Constantly looking for a way out, for a way to bolt amd save myself.

My list of friends grows ever shorter. Everyone becomes an acquaintance and so the above anxiety comes into play and I don't belong in the presence of anyone.

Even when I sleep, I feel like an outsider. Always trying to escape this life for something else.

From every "Normal" person to every fringe belief or characteristic or anything... no one feels the same. No one has ever felt the same. I have never heard anyone speak of something and felt "that's like me, I get that" ,

Where the fuck do I belong? The list of places to try grows ever shorter. I don't want to reach the last place on the list. But maybe I will. Maybe that is where I belong? Im at 0 right now. I can only go another 6 feet further dowm the list.
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How can honey cut so deep.
A white so red it bleeds.
Kitten with viper's fangs
A bitter kind of mead
You only hear the words I speak
Never knowing what I mean
Another images flashes past
But no idea what you've seen

Sick to the back teeth of socially acceptable discrimination!


The above is quite a vile and shocking statement, no?

Where did the statement come from, and why am I posting it here? Well the where is simple. I said it, on my twitter, about 45 minutes or so ago. The why however will need more explaining.

No before I carry on, I want to make it crystal clear that I don't mean what I wrote, or agree with it's sentiments, in fact while I was writing it I actually felt physically repulsed at myself, even though I know I don't mean it. It's just... wrong on every level.

So why then? Well it's a sentence that I have read before, a number of times, from people on my twitter, with only two small amendments. Change the word "retard" for something along the lines of "scroat's Vaginal droppings" "chav's filth spawn" or even a more socially acceptable "child". Then change the word "groaning" with "crying" "screaming" or "tantruming". Do that and you now have something which seems to crop up on a daily basis on my twitter feed and to a lesser extent, here on Livejournal.

Understandably and quite rightly I have had a fair few replies on twitter denouncing the tweet. They have been quite nicely worded as well. I guess because people are either thinking that it's not like me to say, or they are worried that they misread it because it's so out of left field. Thanks guys for keeping faith in me and having diplomatic tongues. Not one of my twitter followers agreed with the tweet.

However when we change the sentance to the oft posted one about children, usually there's a couple or more replies along the lines of "I totally agree" or "I know, I had a similar experience and it's awful"

Why? Well maybe someone will comment below and redirect me to a Wiki page of logical fallacies or something, arguing that it's totally different. The question is why. The "retard" or person with obvious special needs/mental dissabilities is someone who cannot control their actions. Someone who relies on someone else to live their life, they are someone who has an annoying trait in that they groan loudly and they also have a need to get around. All the traits of a child in a similar scenario. The fact is that the two scenarios are very comparable, but the reactions are very different.

So the point? Well the point is I'm sick to the back teeth of hearing discriminatory statements towards parents and young children, almost as much as I'm sick of how ok this apparently is. It's actually offensive and upsetting to me as a parent to read that a noisy child shouldn't be allowed to use public transport and is something that should be kept away because it annoys someone. I don't like it and I hope maybe if you've made a similar statement or had similar feelings in the past, this will go someway to make you realise that it's not ok to treat children like a lesser human or to suggest that they should be kept away from you.

Thank you for listening.

Can we get this straight please?


Why? Because every single penny of the tuition fees is covered by student loans for pretty much everyone bar really rich people. If anything it's easier because now the loan is paid to the university directly. Before you had to have the money yourself and get it back which for many was a major block to getting into university.

Now the loans do need to be paid back when you leave education and you earn over £21k a year. The loan is paid back as before at a rate depending on what you are paid. There are no bailiffs if you don't earn enough and can't afford the loans, it just eats a little into your income. Not massively, a little. You also need to pay back the loan if you leave education early. IE if you quit.

The latter two points are the ones which have made uni entrances drop. Because now people think more about going to uni. You know what? SO THEY SHOULD!! It shouldn't be a light choice just because. You go for a good reason! You go because you want to get a degree and you go to better yourself. You do that, good on you.

So with that said, why on earth is everyone complaining? Am I eating stupid pills or something? I feel like I'm going crazy! I just can't see the problem here.