Benji (benji) wrote,

It's time to make a decision

Day three of Headfuckery and things are just going round and round in circles.

I feel like such a whining child when I put this stuff down. However putting it all down in black and white is the only way I can lay out my thoughts and work through them. If I don't they are destined to run around and around either slowly getting less and less until I can ignore them, otherwise they get more and more and I drown in them.

So the thoughts I am having are ones of insignificance, that is to say I believe I am insignificant to people. More accurately, I feel I am insignificant to people who to me are anything but insignificant. I'm not exactly a vain person, self obsessed or narcissistic. I can live with most people not giving a flying fuck about me. I also know there are a few people who do care about me.. Most obviously my parents, Stacey and Tom and other close family. Otherwise I feel like no one really cares. I guess the flip side is I feel like what I am and what I do isn't good enough.

I tend to give my love and friendship quite freely. I don't think I'm particularly mean or demanding. I will go out of my way for others and will do all I can to let them know I care, often I do more than care. I guess it's then a kick in the teeth when I can be so easily ignored. I guess the bottom line is... When I'm around people are polite, when I am not around, no one notices.

I have to decide, do I make more of an effort to go to places to see people and risk more of the same. Or do I withdraw completely from my social circle and allow people to continue not noticing my absence but at least they will have the excuse that I'm always absent, and I will have the stability of not needing or expecting my presence to be returned.

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