Benji (benji) wrote,

My brain

So today has been a mental trip and Im not sure what to make of it. Nothing in particular has happened except what has happened in my head. If anyone should read this, who Ive been around today, please dont take this as an attack or complaining, I am simply trying to understand my thoughts.

So today was the handfasting ceremony of two very dear friends. So I had this sorta speech I wanted to say, I was thinking and practising it on the way up. Then as the ceremony happened and some people clapped, some hugged, some gave gifts and what not, I stood there and thought that I don't know if I should say anything. I started making deals with myself in my head “if someone asks if anyone has any words they want to say, then I'll speak…” “if someone else says something, then I'll speak…” “if there is an uncomfortable silence, then I'll speak…” etc etc. Truth is I knew as much as my words seemed to make sense and be from the heart on the way up, I knew they would sound weak and feeble the moment I opened my mouth.

I didn't make my speech.

So after the ceremony we headed off as a group to the London furs meet. My began playing things over in my head, all massive contradictions ruled by fear and anxiety. I was sat around with people I know. Some people I've been close to, others were acquaintances and others were unknown to me. I just sat there though. No one was excluding me from the conversation or anything, I was sorta excluding myself. I was wanting to join in while simultaneously wanting to shut off. I was acutely aware that I was giving off meh vibes, but I didn't want to do that because I didn't want that sort of attention. I didn't want to put on a smiling face because I felt incapable. So I made my mind up I should leave. The only problem with that is there is no way to be seen leaving without seeming like an attention seeking stuck up shit. If I slip away quietly people may worry. So I just sat there, trying to become as un-noticeable as possible.

While I sat there mulling over this conundrum I made some other decisions. I decided I should sell my confuzzled ticket. I'll only do the same thing there, it happened last year, only with way more upsetting results whereby I planned my own suicide and did leave before I did something stupid. I decided that I should resign from Furcation. This place I'm at mentally is at best going to mean I do little to help the event, and at worst could be quite damaging to the event and its reputation.

So as I sat there pondering this and answering the occasional “are you OK?” With silly feeble lies that convinced no one, a certain someone just started talking to me. They knew I wasn't right and just made general convo. Nothing deep or owt, but within a couple minutes my whole mind set had changed and I was back to feeling OK.

So since then I've been a mess of thoughts and emotions. Everything has become complicated in my head when I know it shouldn't be. I care so much about people, I over think things and don't actually do or say anything. I worry about coming off as weird and clingy but because I can't just act naturally that is exactly how I come off.

I don't know how no fix me.

I love people so much that I can't stand to be around them.

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