Day three of Headfuckery and things are just going round and round in circles.
I feel like such a whining child when I put this stuff down. However putting it all down in black and white is the only way I can lay out my thoughts and work through them. If I don't they are destined to run around and around either slowly getting less and less until I can ignore them, otherwise they get more and more and I drown in them.
So the thoughts I am having are ones of insignificance, that is to say I believe I am insignificant to people. More accurately, I feel I am insignificant to people who to me are anything but insignificant. I'm not exactly a vain person, self obsessed or narcissistic. I can live with most people not giving a flying fuck about me. I also know there are a few people who do care about me.. Most obviously my parents, Stacey and Tom and other close family. Otherwise I feel like no one really cares. I guess the flip side is I feel like what I am and what I do isn't good enough.
I tend to give my love and friendship quite freely. I don't think I'm particularly mean or demanding. I will go out of my way for others and will do all I can to let them know I care, often I do more than care. I guess it's then a kick in the teeth when I can be so easily ignored. I guess the bottom line is... When I'm around people are polite, when I am not around, no one notices.
I have to decide, do I make more of an effort to go to places to see people and risk more of the same. Or do I withdraw completely from my social circle and allow people to continue not noticing my absence but at least they will have the excuse that I'm always absent, and I will have the stability of not needing or expecting my presence to be returned.
This weekend I attended the 8th Handfasting of two very dear friends of mine. Fiona and Rhosyn. It was held in the Kyoto Garden in Kensington and the ceremony was witnessed by a few of us. The words of the ceremony say most of what needs to be said, but there are some words I would like to offer directly to these people who mean so much to me.
The symbolism of the handfasting is clear. The physical tying of hands to represent the invisible bond of love that holds you together, physically, emotionally and spiritually. The cords are wrapped around you as a tangible witness to the bond you share. There is however something else that is happening.
You see this is your 8th Handfasting, and every year you add a cord to the ceremony. As someone who has had the honour of seeing your relationship from the start I'd like to tell you what I see. When you first got together, bonds were being formed. Bonds as fragile as cotton. A trip to the zoo, a conversation about Rhosyn's art, a kiss stolen in a moment of passion. Each one of this things wrapped a single thread of cotton around your hearts. These cotton thin bonds, like your new relationship were fragile, barely noticeable, and like cotton could snap. Yet as time went on, more bonds were formed, more cords tying you together. Experiences, memories, acts of love and care, these all wrap another thread around your hearts. Yet it doesn't stop there.
Life isn't a fairy tale. Things aren't always happy. Other things have happened, times when you have hurt each other, or made a mistake, or spoken a word that pulled on those cotton thin strands. Yet they held strong. People have done things to you, said hateful and painful things, lied and cut at you both individually and as a couple. Such things that would set to cut all those invisible bonds between you. Yet they haven't relented.
The true beauty though is that these things do not break your bond of love, it is in the going through them that beautiful cords are created, plats and braids weave those threads which were once cotton, thin and vulnerable and make them into a binding of both beauty and with a strength greater than the sum of its parts. A connection so strong and beautiful that nothing can break. It is this I see in you two.
I would like to thank you for allowing me to bear witness to something so beautiful and amazing. I genuinely look forward to seeing you two continue to grow and flourish together. I care so much for the both of you and want to offer my blessings such as they are, to every corner of your lives. Once again, thank you!
Always and forever...
So today has been a mental trip and Im not sure what to make of it. Nothing in particular has happened except what has happened in my head. If anyone should read this, who Ive been around today, please dont take this as an attack or complaining, I am simply trying to understand my thoughts.
So today was the handfasting ceremony of two very dear friends. So I had this sorta speech I wanted to say, I was thinking and practising it on the way up. Then as the ceremony happened and some people clapped, some hugged, some gave gifts and what not, I stood there and thought that I don't know if I should say anything. I started making deals with myself in my head “if someone asks if anyone has any words they want to say, then I'll speak…” “if someone else says something, then I'll speak…” “if there is an uncomfortable silence, then I'll speak…” etc etc. Truth is I knew as much as my words seemed to make sense and be from the heart on the way up, I knew they would sound weak and feeble the moment I opened my mouth.
I didn't make my speech.
So after the ceremony we headed off as a group to the London furs meet. My began playing things over in my head, all massive contradictions ruled by fear and anxiety. I was sat around with people I know. Some people I've been close to, others were acquaintances and others were unknown to me. I just sat there though. No one was excluding me from the conversation or anything, I was sorta excluding myself. I was wanting to join in while simultaneously wanting to shut off. I was acutely aware that I was giving off meh vibes, but I didn't want to do that because I didn't want that sort of attention. I didn't want to put on a smiling face because I felt incapable. So I made my mind up I should leave. The only problem with that is there is no way to be seen leaving without seeming like an attention seeking stuck up shit. If I slip away quietly people may worry. So I just sat there, trying to become as un-noticeable as possible.
While I sat there mulling over this conundrum I made some other decisions. I decided I should sell my confuzzled ticket. I'll only do the same thing there, it happened last year, only with way more upsetting results whereby I planned my own suicide and did leave before I did something stupid. I decided that I should resign from Furcation. This place I'm at mentally is at best going to mean I do little to help the event, and at worst could be quite damaging to the event and its reputation.
So as I sat there pondering this and answering the occasional “are you OK?” With silly feeble lies that convinced no one, a certain someone just started talking to me. They knew I wasn't right and just made general convo. Nothing deep or owt, but within a couple minutes my whole mind set had changed and I was back to feeling OK.
So since then I've been a mess of thoughts and emotions. Everything has become complicated in my head when I know it shouldn't be. I care so much about people, I over think things and don't actually do or say anything. I worry about coming off as weird and clingy but because I can't just act naturally that is exactly how I come off.
I don't know how no fix me.
I love people so much that I can't stand to be around them.
Just been berated for my choice of words which is clearly being taken way out of context by people who hardly know me. I probably shouldn't be so sensitive but eh, we can all be self indulgent sometimes right?
So what did I say? I said that the Charlston shootings were "a senseless act by a madman". I have since been told that I am insulting people with mental illness. The problem is that I would never refer to someone with a mental illness as a madman. To me a madman is someone who is just plain wrong with fucked up motivations who does fucked up things whatever they may be.
As someone with mental health issues and someone who although clearly not black, has often been on the recieving end of racism... I'd love it if people could maybe see my comment for what it is, and not make me out to be an asshole.
Today is Easter the most important day in the Christian calendar, a day to remember that Jesus is God.
There is however something I want to talk about. It's something that's been all over the intertubes for weeks... it's what's happened in Indiana where discrimination on the grounds of sexuality is now a completely acceptable thing due to supposed religious freedom.
I want to remind people that Jesus said "let he who is without sin, cast the first stone". I want to remind people that the bible says "For everyone has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" I want to remind people that "The wages of sin is death" and that "Jesus did not come into the world to condemn it, but to save it"
Finally I want to remind people of the parable of the servant. I will paraphrase because you've probably all heard it. However Jesus tells a story of a head servant who owes a lot of money to his master. When his master asks for it back, he breaks down and tells his master he cannot afford it, he has a family to feed etc etc. His master takes pity and lets him off the debt. The servant then goes out and finds one of the lower servants who owes him a small amount of money, and beats him for not paying up.
This is exactly what is happening in Indiana. Yes hypocrisy is hardly something new and people have been using God's name to justify their own ends for centuries. This thing however is sickening me... It is not following God's law, I can literally pull a thousand bible verses that speak of Love and looking after your neighbour. I just hate that people think they are being God Christians by pointing at someone who dares to follow their heart into a same sex relationship and deems them as less than they are.
Jesus, God, the saviour of the world who could destroy us in the blink of an eye, washed people's feet, served wine for them and in the end was tortured and died for us... yet we can't make a pizza for someone because they're gay?!
Oh and happy easter
Ah LJ my old friend, ive come to meet with you again. Most of my updates are through twittr now, with a few on facebook but as that has family and work friends on it, I tend not say much of how im feeling on there. Here though I can say it how it is... And right now I am pissed off, hurt and feeling used and pathetic.
Cant be fucked to expand on it. Dont want sympathy, i'll get over it, sit in the corner and lick mynwounds ready to fight another day. For today I have beer, itll do.
There are no paintings depicting a thousand words, no syntax or synonyms or lexicon of languages as yet unimagined that can really sum up the essence of that part of you that only exists when you give it away. Your heart, your soul, your love and your humanity. All if these exist in you and although they can delight in external things, the love of another person, the love of God, the love of art, or music or caring for another. They are all a part of you. Then there is this other part, this thing that is connected to all these things. It can only exist outside of yourself because it is so much greater than you. It is a whole that truly is larger than the sum of its parts. Yet although it is only outside of yourself, it is rooted in the deepest part of you. A tree isn't part of the ground, yet its connected to it. It grows from the ground and that is where it's life is drawn from. Yet at the same time it gives back to the ground. It holds it together, it drops leaves, seeds everything. The tree cannot be pulled out without ripping a hole in the ground.
This thing without a name, it is beautiful, it is eternal and it grows... Or at least it should.
Seriously what is the point?
O Captain! My Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
O Captain! My Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills;
For you bouquets and ribbon'd wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding;
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head;
It is some dream that on the deck,
You've fallen cold and dead.
My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchor'd safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won;
Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
This post has been a long time in coming. I am getting to the point that I literally loath eating out in a group. What should be a fun time for all concerned invariably ends up with me playing mediator to everyone walking a fine line between not upsetting the staff, not upsetting my friends, trying to get things to happen and not gouge my eyes out.
There is some shit people need to realise when you're eating out.
1. Don't act like an asshole first.
I can't even count the number of times I've seen people come in, talk down to management and waiting staff, demand things, blame the staff for nothing and then been absoloutely horrified when they get ignored. You have to realise that contrary to popular belief. The people who serve you are in fact human. Speaking to them like shite is not going to make them want to serve you any better. Funnily enough they tend to resent serving you, probably exactly the same reaction you would have if you were in their shoes.
2. Listen to what you're told.
There seems to be this idea that when you're in a restaurant you have to be street smart and fight your corner like you're mother fucking Mohammed Ali or something. When the manager or server says that they can't do something... 99% of the time it's not (as you seem to think) because they are lazy jobsworths. It's usually because what you are asking isn't as reasonable as you might think. A common case is the whole splitting a bill 15 ways. Yes I am sure that pretty much every restaurant can do this. However in most restaurants it takes about 2 minutes to process a payment. If you want to pay 15 ways, you are taking up a server for 30 minutes. That means the poor buggers who are meant to be getting served at other tables, aren't. On top of that, I can guarantee, despite your best intentions, there are people who either forget what they've had or intentionally miss stuff out. So that once everyone has paid you're still left with an amount outstanding and the person who owes the money left 20 minutes ago. Another example is when you enter without booking and you're told there isn't a table ready. There aren't many restaurants that will try and stop people eating there. Just because you can see free tables, it doesn't mean they are available. Table management is a very complex thing. You may see a table of 4 free for your party of 4. However not only may it be booked for a 4 in a little while. However this isn't the only thing that matters. Tables often get moved. The host will know which tables can be moved and which tables need to be moved. You have no idea if they plan to use that table of 4 as a table of 8 in 30 minutes time, meaning that you really can't have either table. Similarly if you turn up with an unbooked table of 6 and you're told there are no tables of 6 available at the moment, saying shit like "just put those two together" is not helpful in the slightest! Your host will already have thought about that!
3. You're probably not at The Ritz.
I mean, okay, maybe you are. However more than likely you are at a place paying £12 for a steak meal. That £12 is being split between the cost of the food, the cost of the equipment used to produce it, the cost of the chef to cook it, the cost of the server to serve it, the cost of the gas to heat the room you're in, the insurance on the property, the vat on all that etc etc. It all boils down to, you not paying for this alone, You are sharing this cost with a lot of people. As a result you also share the service with them. If your server hasn't been over to you for 5 minutes, you can almost guarantee they have been serving someone else. This doesn't make them lazy, this doesn't mean they are bad at their job, this doesn't mean you can complain about them... it only means you aren't the only person in the restaurant. If you want immediate service, you will have to pay for it!
4. Pointing out faults.
There are two types of complaint. A valid one and one you want to point out. It is the most annoying thing in the world to see people just point out everything that is wrong like it is going to impress someone. Again, you're not at the Ritz. How about enjoying yourself!?
5. Passive to start and aggressive to end. Have an equillibrium.
Again, 99% of places want to serve you well. Occassionally things do go wrong and usually the establishment is happy to put them right. That question "Is everything ok with your food" is not there to trick you. I've heard all kind of stories "They wait till you have something in your mouth before asking" No they don't and your insistance that "I know for a fact they are trained to do this" is wrong. Truth is a few people round a table, someone will be chewing at some point no matter when you ask. The reason this question is asked is so they can put right any problems. If there is a problem, say it then and work with them for the solution. Don't say nothing then make out you've been failed after the meal has finished. You had your chance, use it. Don't go off on one because shock horror, you saying everything was ok, made them think there were no problems to fix.
6. Read the menu and ask questions if you're not sure.
Places do things differently. The surf and turf at one restaurant may well be different to that of another restaurant. Read that description to make sure you are getting what you want. If it's unclear then ask someone. Don't act like they are wrong because they didn't read your mind and got you what you asked for.
Just do it. Unless the service has been (trully and not just perceived to be) diabolical then be fair to the server. It happens every time I am out. You've complained all the way through about sod all, the staff have clearly bent over backwards to accomodate you, the food was served on time and you've acted like you're the queen of England, then you want to leave without a bit of financial gratitude. You my dear... are now an asshole!