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Saturday, April 23rd, 2016

7:34 am

There Are Way Too Many Drugs In This Fandom, And Taking Them Is Way Too Accepted. Considering Disassociating with Anyone Who Does Them!

again, Apologies For The Random Capitalisations... Stupid Client!

(Am I special?)

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2016

- It's time to make a decision

12:12 am

Day three of Headfuckery and things are just going round and round in circles.

I feel like such a whining child when I put this stuff down. However putting it all down in black and white is the only way I can lay out my thoughts and work through them. If I don't they are destined to run around and around either slowly getting less and less until I can ignore them, otherwise they get more and more and I drown in them.

So the thoughts I am having are ones of insignificance, that is to say I believe I am insignificant to people. More accurately, I feel I am insignificant to people who to me are anything but insignificant. I'm not exactly a vain person, self obsessed or narcissistic. I can live with most people not giving a flying fuck about me. I also know there are a few people who do care about me.. Most obviously my parents, Stacey and Tom and other close family. Otherwise I feel like no one really cares. I guess the flip side is I feel like what I am and what I do isn't good enough.

I tend to give my love and friendship quite freely. I don't think I'm particularly mean or demanding. I will go out of my way for others and will do all I can to let them know I care, often I do more than care. I guess it's then a kick in the teeth when I can be so easily ignored. I guess the bottom line is... When I'm around people are polite, when I am not around, no one notices.

I have to decide, do I make more of an effort to go to places to see people and risk more of the same. Or do I withdraw completely from my social circle and allow people to continue not noticing my absence but at least they will have the excuse that I'm always absent, and I will have the stability of not needing or expecting my presence to be returned.

(I got 1 lover!! | Am I special?)

Sunday, March 20th, 2016

- Words to two amazing people.

11:07 pm

This weekend I attended the 8th Handfasting of two very dear friends of mine. Fiona and Rhosyn. It was held in the Kyoto Garden in Kensington and the ceremony was witnessed by a few of us. The words of the ceremony say most of what needs to be said, but there are some words I would like to offer directly to these people who mean so much to me.
The symbolism of the handfasting is clear. The physical tying of hands to represent the invisible bond of love that holds you together, physically, emotionally and spiritually. The cords are wrapped around you as a tangible witness to the bond you share. There is however something else that is happening.
You see this is your 8th Handfasting, and every year you add a cord to the ceremony. As someone who has had the honour of seeing your relationship from the start I'd like to tell you what I see. When you first got together, bonds were being formed. Bonds as fragile as cotton. A trip to the zoo, a conversation about Rhosyn's art, a kiss stolen in a moment of passion. Each one of this things wrapped a single thread of cotton around your hearts. These cotton thin bonds, like your new relationship were fragile, barely noticeable, and like cotton could snap. Yet as time went on, more bonds were formed, more cords tying you together. Experiences, memories, acts of love and care, these all wrap another thread around your hearts. Yet it doesn't stop there.
Life isn't a fairy tale. Things aren't always happy. Other things have happened, times when you have hurt each other, or made a mistake, or spoken a word that pulled on those cotton thin strands. Yet they held strong. People have done things to you, said hateful and painful things, lied and cut at you both individually and as a couple. Such things that would set to cut all those invisible bonds between you. Yet they haven't relented.

The true beauty though is that these things do not break your bond of love, it is in the going through them that beautiful cords are created, plats and braids weave those threads which were once cotton, thin and vulnerable and make them into a binding of both beauty and with a strength greater than the sum of its parts. A connection so strong and beautiful that nothing can break. It is this I see in you two.

I would like to thank you for allowing me to bear witness to something so beautiful and amazing. I genuinely look forward to seeing you two continue to grow and flourish together. I care so much for the both of you and want to offer my blessings such as they are, to every corner of your lives. Once again, thank you!

Always and forever...

(Am I special?)

Saturday, March 19th, 2016

- My brain

11:32 pm

So today has been a mental trip and Im not sure what to make of it. Nothing in particular has happened except what has happened in my head. If anyone should read this, who Ive been around today, please dont take this as an attack or complaining, I am simply trying to understand my thoughts.

So today was the handfasting ceremony of two very dear friends. So I had this sorta speech I wanted to say, I was thinking and practising it on the way up. Then as the ceremony happened and some people clapped, some hugged, some gave gifts and what not, I stood there and thought that I don't know if I should say anything. I started making deals with myself in my head “if someone asks if anyone has any words they want to say, then I'll speak…” “if someone else says something, then I'll speak…” “if there is an uncomfortable silence, then I'll speak…” etc etc. Truth is I knew as much as my words seemed to make sense and be from the heart on the way up, I knew they would sound weak and feeble the moment I opened my mouth.

I didn't make my speech.

So after the ceremony we headed off as a group to the London furs meet. My began playing things over in my head, all massive contradictions ruled by fear and anxiety. I was sat around with people I know. Some people I've been close to, others were acquaintances and others were unknown to me. I just sat there though. No one was excluding me from the conversation or anything, I was sorta excluding myself. I was wanting to join in while simultaneously wanting to shut off. I was acutely aware that I was giving off meh vibes, but I didn't want to do that because I didn't want that sort of attention. I didn't want to put on a smiling face because I felt incapable. So I made my mind up I should leave. The only problem with that is there is no way to be seen leaving without seeming like an attention seeking stuck up shit. If I slip away quietly people may worry. So I just sat there, trying to become as un-noticeable as possible.

While I sat there mulling over this conundrum I made some other decisions. I decided I should sell my confuzzled ticket. I'll only do the same thing there, it happened last year, only with way more upsetting results whereby I planned my own suicide and did leave before I did something stupid. I decided that I should resign from Furcation. This place I'm at mentally is at best going to mean I do little to help the event, and at worst could be quite damaging to the event and its reputation.

So as I sat there pondering this and answering the occasional “are you OK?” With silly feeble lies that convinced no one, a certain someone just started talking to me. They knew I wasn't right and just made general convo. Nothing deep or owt, but within a couple minutes my whole mind set had changed and I was back to feeling OK.

So since then I've been a mess of thoughts and emotions. Everything has become complicated in my head when I know it shouldn't be. I care so much about people, I over think things and don't actually do or say anything. I worry about coming off as weird and clingy but because I can't just act naturally that is exactly how I come off.

I don't know how no fix me.

I love people so much that I can't stand to be around them.

(Am I special?)

Friday, June 19th, 2015

- What is up with people

6:21 am

Just been berated for my choice of words which is clearly being taken way out of context by people who hardly know me. I probably shouldn't be so sensitive but eh, we can all be self indulgent sometimes right?

So what did I say? I said that the Charlston shootings were "a senseless act by a madman". I have since been told that I am insulting people with mental illness. The problem is that I would never refer to someone with a mental illness as a madman. To me a madman is someone who is just plain wrong with fucked up motivations who does fucked up things whatever they may be.

As someone with mental health issues and someone who although clearly not black, has often been on the recieving end of racism... I'd love it if people could maybe see my comment for what it is, and not make me out to be an asshole.

(Am I special?)

Sunday, April 5th, 2015

- Happy easter. The best day to cover everything in sparkles!

9:19 am

Today is Easter the most important day in the Christian calendar, a day to remember that Jesus is God.

There is however something I want to talk about. It's something that's been all over the intertubes for weeks... it's what's happened in Indiana where discrimination on the grounds of sexuality is now a completely acceptable thing due to supposed religious freedom.

I want to remind people that Jesus said "let he who is without sin, cast the first stone". I want to remind people that the bible says "For everyone has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" I want to remind people that "The wages of sin is death" and that "Jesus did not come into the world to condemn it, but to save it"

Finally I want to remind people of the parable of the servant. I will paraphrase because you've probably all heard it. However Jesus tells a story of a head servant who owes a lot of money to his master. When his master asks for it back, he breaks down and tells his master he cannot afford it, he has a family to feed etc etc. His master takes pity and lets him off the debt. The servant then goes out and finds one of the lower servants who owes him a small amount of money, and beats him for not paying up.

This is exactly what is happening in Indiana. Yes hypocrisy is hardly something new and people have been using God's name to justify their own ends for centuries. This thing however is sickening me... It is not following God's law, I can literally pull a thousand bible verses that speak of Love and looking after your neighbour. I just hate that people think they are being God Christians by pointing at someone who dares to follow their heart into a same sex relationship and deems them as less than they are.

Jesus, God, the saviour of the world who could destroy us in the blink of an eye, washed people's feet, served wine for them and in the end was tortured and died for us... yet we can't make a pizza for someone because they're gay?!

Get real!

Oh and happy easter

(Am I special?)

Sunday, December 7th, 2014

12:11 am

Ah LJ my old friend, ive come to meet with you again. Most of my updates are through twittr now, with a few on facebook but as that has family and work friends on it, I tend not say much of how im feeling on there. Here though I can say it how it is... And right now I am pissed off, hurt and feeling used and pathetic.

Cant be fucked to expand on it. Dont want sympathy, i'll get over it, sit in the corner and lick mynwounds ready to fight another day. For today I have beer, itll do.

(I got 1 lover!! | Am I special?)

Tuesday, August 19th, 2014

10:43 pm

There are no paintings depicting a thousand words, no syntax or synonyms or lexicon of languages as yet unimagined that can really sum up the essence of that part of you that only exists when you give it away. Your heart, your soul, your love and your humanity. All if these exist in you and although they can delight in external things, the love of another person, the love of God, the love of art, or music or caring for another. They are all a part of you. Then there is this other part, this thing that is connected to all these things. It can only exist outside of yourself because it is so much greater than you. It is a whole that truly is larger than the sum of its parts. Yet although it is only outside of yourself, it is rooted in the deepest part of you. A tree isn't part of the ground, yet its connected to it. It grows from the ground and that is where it's life is drawn from. Yet at the same time it gives back to the ground. It holds it together, it drops leaves, seeds everything. The tree cannot be pulled out without ripping a hole in the ground.

This thing without a name, it is beautiful, it is eternal and it grows... Or at least it should.

Seriously what is the point?

(Am I special?)

Tuesday, August 12th, 2014

- RIP Robin Williams

12:33 am

O Captain! My Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:

But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
O Captain! My Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills;
For you bouquets and ribbon'd wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding;
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;

Here captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head;
It is some dream that on the deck,
You've fallen cold and dead.
My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchor'd safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won;

Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

(I got 1 lover!! | Am I special?)

Wednesday, June 25th, 2014

- How to avoid forks in your eyes and other tips for non hospitality people when eating out.

10:14 pm

This post has been a long time in coming. I am getting to the point that I literally loath eating out in a group. What should be a fun time for all concerned invariably ends up with me playing mediator to everyone walking a fine line between not upsetting the staff, not upsetting my friends, trying to get things to happen and not gouge my eyes out.

There is some shit people need to realise when you're eating out.

1. Don't act like an asshole first.

I can't even count the number of times I've seen people come in, talk down to management and waiting staff, demand things, blame the staff for nothing and then been absoloutely horrified when they get ignored. You have to realise that contrary to popular belief. The people who serve you are in fact human. Speaking to them like shite is not going to make them want to serve you any better. Funnily enough they tend to resent serving you, probably exactly the same reaction you would have if you were in their shoes.

2. Listen to what you're told.

There seems to be this idea that when you're in a restaurant you have to be street smart and fight your corner like you're mother fucking Mohammed Ali or something. When the manager or server says that they can't do something... 99% of the time it's not (as you seem to think) because they are lazy jobsworths. It's usually because what you are asking isn't as reasonable as you might think. A common case is the whole splitting a bill 15 ways. Yes I am sure that pretty much every restaurant can do this. However in most restaurants it takes about 2 minutes to process a payment. If you want to pay 15 ways, you are taking up a server for 30 minutes. That means the poor buggers who are meant to be getting served at other tables, aren't. On top of that, I can guarantee, despite your best intentions, there are people who either forget what they've had or intentionally miss stuff out. So that once everyone has paid you're still left with an amount outstanding and the person who owes the money left 20 minutes ago. Another example is when you enter without booking and you're told there isn't a table ready. There aren't many restaurants that will try and stop people eating there. Just because you can see free tables, it doesn't mean they are available. Table management is a very complex thing. You may see a table of 4 free for your party of 4. However not only may it be booked for a 4 in a little while. However this isn't the only thing that matters. Tables often get moved. The host will know which tables can be moved and which tables need to be moved. You have no idea if they plan to use that table of 4 as a table of 8 in 30 minutes time, meaning that you really can't have either table. Similarly if you turn up with an unbooked table of 6 and you're told there are no tables of 6 available at the moment, saying shit like "just put those two together" is not helpful in the slightest! Your host will already have thought about that!

3. You're probably not at The Ritz.

I mean, okay, maybe you are. However more than likely you are at a place paying £12 for a steak meal. That £12 is being split between the cost of the food, the cost of the equipment used to produce it, the cost of the chef to cook it, the cost of the server to serve it, the cost of the gas to heat the room you're in, the insurance on the property, the vat on all that etc etc. It all boils down to, you not paying for this alone, You are sharing this cost with a lot of people. As a result you also share the service with them. If your server hasn't been over to you for 5 minutes, you can almost guarantee they have been serving someone else. This doesn't make them lazy, this doesn't mean they are bad at their job, this doesn't mean you can complain about them... it only means you aren't the only person in the restaurant. If you want immediate service, you will have to pay for it!

4. Pointing out faults.

There are two types of complaint. A valid one and one you want to point out. It is the most annoying thing in the world to see people just point out everything that is wrong like it is going to impress someone. Again, you're not at the Ritz. How about enjoying yourself!?

5. Passive to start and aggressive to end. Have an equillibrium.

Again, 99% of places want to serve you well. Occassionally things do go wrong and usually the establishment is happy to put them right. That question "Is everything ok with your food" is not there to trick you. I've heard all kind of stories "They wait till you have something in your mouth before asking" No they don't and your insistance that "I know for a fact they are trained to do this" is wrong. Truth is a few people round a table, someone will be chewing at some point no matter when you ask. The reason this question is asked is so they can put right any problems. If there is a problem, say it then and work with them for the solution. Don't say nothing then make out you've been failed after the meal has finished. You had your chance, use it. Don't go off on one because shock horror, you saying everything was ok, made them think there were no problems to fix.

6. Read the menu and ask questions if you're not sure.

Places do things differently. The surf and turf at one restaurant may well be different to that of another restaurant. Read that description to make sure you are getting what you want. If it's unclear then ask someone. Don't act like they are wrong because they didn't read your mind and got you what you asked for.

and finally...

7. Tips.

Just do it. Unless the service has been (trully and not just perceived to be) diabolical then be fair to the server. It happens every time I am out. You've complained all the way through about sod all, the staff have clearly bent over backwards to accomodate you, the food was served on time and you've acted like you're the queen of England, then you want to leave without a bit of financial gratitude. You my dear... are now an asshole!

(I got 4 lovers!! | Am I special?)

Thursday, October 31st, 2013

- Friend's Page Colours?

9:17 am

Have the colours on anyone else' friends' page gone all screwey? I've chosen colours for my friend entry's since I started this journal. The last couple days however, they seem to have flipped to random colours. It's kind of odd and disconcerting :P

(I got 2 lovers!! | Am I special?)

Sunday, September 29th, 2013

- Are people stupid?

9:53 am

It seems a massive proportion of people want housing prices to come right down. Do they not know that if there was a housng price crash, the economy would also crash. Maybe iof they didn't spend all their money on conventions and getting smashed in central london every 3 weeks, they could afford a deposit on a house.


(I got 3 lovers!! | Am I special?)

Monday, August 26th, 2013

- Shattering my thoughts

10:12 pm

So I had a massage from someone today that has kind of left me reeling. It's got a long back story so I've been kind of vague about it so far. However stuff has been playing over and over in my head for the last few hours and so I'm putting all these thoughts down here with the whole backstory for no particular reason except it might help to get my thoughts straight.

Sooo some of you will know that between September 2001 and Sept 2002 I lived in the USA as an Au Pair. I lived with a family and looked after the children, did some housework, cooked for them etc etc. Now the family I lived with were going through a transitional stage. The Children were Jeff who was 7/8 while I was there, and Matt and Alex who were twins 4/5 while I was there. The Mother was Jean. Jean had split from the Children's Father who was called Bill. He lived in the next state over and visited every week. Jean was engaged to her new partner who was called Brett.

Now Brett had three girls from a previous relationship who's names I have forgotten. They were between the ages of 4 and 8 though. Financially both Jean and Brett were well off. Jean a top flight financial auditor who went in and signed off some top company accounts (Harley Davidson and Puma were 2 I knew about) and Brett was a sales manager for some firm or other. The whole year I was there they were having a house built for them, every week or so there was a meeting or phone call about one aspect or other of the new house. They got married the final month I was there, and then a couple weeks after I left Brett, Jean, Jeff, Alex, Matt and the three girls moved into the new house. I never did get their new address or phone number and so from this point I pretty much lost all contact with the family. I did still have their Dad's (Bill's) number. However being as I never really knew when the children would be there with Bill as that was a rare event, on the days that Bill would visit, 95% of the time they would go out somewhere and not really go to his house. I spoke to them one time at their Dad's place. I felt kind of weird just calling him up. So yeah I lost contact and for a decade it was the biggest regret I harbored.

In my opinion, the "step dad" Brett was a colossal cock! He had an air about him that the children were more an inconvenience and would talk over them and brush them off constantly. I'm sure anyone with a modicum of intelligence would realise that the situation was a massive upheaval for a lot of children. While not a bad thing, it clearly caused lots of emotion and stress for the children. They needed reassurance and care. I felt a lot of the time this was left to me. I got on well with Jeff but I wasn't their dad or mum or anything. The twins I also got on well with, save for the usual upset you get with any child you have to say no to now and again. Jean I also saw as a good mother. She worked hard, but she always had time for the kids, would call up to say goodnight to them if she had to work late. Looked after them when she was off work and took them out for meals etc.

A few events struck me that year. Both I wrote about in this journa. The first wasl on Aug 1st 2002:

Brett really annoyed me last night. It's like he's acting like a baby. The kids went out with their dad last night and I had gone out for a drive and got home a few minutes after Bill arrived to drop the kids off. I walked in the door and Matt and Alex were playing with some toys they'd just got and Jeff was out on the porch with Bill talking. He's been having a hard time and really missing his dad and so I knew he was upset that his dad was about to leave. Anyways where was Brett? In the playroom watching tennis. What an idiot. I mean he's about to marry Jean and so Matt Alex and Jeff are his responsibility as well now. Is he going to spend the rest of his life avoiding their dad? Every time Bill comes to their house to pick the kids up is he going to run away? He's done it so far. It's pathetic. But what annoyed me most is once Bill left Jeff was in tears. I had to comfort him do all I can to make him feel better. After a while he was alright. But all this time where was brett? In the playroom watching tennis. Oh and the nail in the coffin? When Jean came home she asked "how was Jeff when Bill left" as I drew in breath to answer Brett said "oh he was fine". AHHHHH damnit you don't even know he was in tears because you were to busy being a pansy ass prick who won't show your face to your step children's dad. I hope Jean kicks his ass sometime soon. I mean it's only a little bit bad right now because I'm here. I'm a good middle man. But seriously I'm here for another 26 days. I feel so bad for these kids. Brett's not a totally bad guy but he's really not thinking about what the boys are going through. I'm worried he's going to turn out like one of those mean step fathers who is distant from the kids and never really listens to them but expects the kids to respect him when he tells them what to do.

The second was the previous Christmas eve:

the kids had been at their dad's house that previous night and were home already with their toys from their dad already opened and strewn over the living room floor (you know how it is) and Jean seemed fine.

then the kids started getting all stressed out and fighting and throwing tantrums and Jean lost it... I mean _lost it_ She didn't know what the heck she was doing... the kids were hungry and they wanted pizza and I swear Jean couldn't even use the phone properly to phone for pizza... and then when she did get a pizza place she was like "yeah can I have two pizzas... just normal pizzas bye". I seriously thought she'd had a breakdown because the kids were acting insane ya know. So I went to call Jean's b/f to come around and while I was doing that the thought suddenly struck me... she must be drunk. I mean it's not at all like Jean to get drunk but the more I thought about it the more I was sure she was. So yeah I called Brett up to come around and then I had to figure out what to do. It sucked because the kids didn't understand that Mummy really wasn't in a condition to think straight. So when I suggest we all go to mcdonalds and 2 kids say yes and one says I'm not going mum says I don't have to... what the heck do you do? In the end I was like okay I tell you what lets all go to dominoes and pick up the pizzas. So all the kids were okay with that. So we went and got some pizzas leaving Jean alone still totally on another planet. When we got back I saw Brett's car was there and he was actually inside taking care of Jean. Apparently she'd gone to bed but was now puking.

So yeah we're all sat down having pizza and the phone rings... who was it? The other pizza place where Jean had ordered from before. Muwahahahaha. Yeah the guy was like "Hi I have an order here for 2 flatbread pizzas and they've been sitting here for about 45 minutes I'm wondering when you're going to pick them up?" I really wasn't in the mood to explain the situation so I was like "no one ordered any pizza from here" and then the guy was like "well _your wife_ called and ordered 2 pizzas" My obvious answer was "I'm 19 and single... I'm just the babysitter" so then the guy was "Oh well one of the kids must've called up" So I was like "You thought it was my wife... I'm looking after 3 boys" so yeah then he got pissed and said something along the lines of "look someone called from your number and ordered 2 pizzas... I'm gonna call tomorrow and speak to the kid's parents because you just don't do that" I didn't know what to say considering it was the kid's mum who ordered the pizza so I was like Okay you do that... you spend Christmas chasing up 2 pizza orders... bye"

Heh I was really pretty mean but I guess I can be excused with all that I'd been expected to do that evening.

On Christmas Morning Jean told me she hadn't been drinking at all and she had no idea what came over her. I dunno if I believe her... on the night of the 23rd Jean opened a 2 litre bottle of white wine and her and I each had a glass from it... I couldn't find it the next night so yeah. I'm not sure what I'd prefer... if it was alcohol then at least I'd feel like it wasn't something to worry about too much. If it was alcohol then it p***** me off that she drank so much and got herself into such a state.

So yeah. Not exactly the end of the world events, but they did annoy me and made me feel sometimes like all was not well. I always felt guilty about loosing contact with the kids.

Anyways over the next few years after I left, I looked for them online, wondering if they were using their birth names, changed them to their step dad's last name etc etc. About a year or so ago I finally found them on facebook. Well Jeff, Matt and Alex at least. Said hi and stuff, Jeff remembers me, not surprisingly Alex and Matt don't as they were still young when I left. Anyways I've kept up to date with Jeff's FB, he's in the Marine Corps now, no longer the 8 year old lad I knew. Smokes, drinks, talks about girls etc etc. Anyways tonight I commented on a post he put up saying that he had spoken to his dad for the first time in a couple months, so remembering how I liked Bill I said something like "say hi to him for me, hope all is well with everyone" from that Jeff sent me a message

Oh my word. It's filled in the last decade and yeah. After I left, as I said they moved into the new house. All three boys were apparently practically ignored for the girls and basically neglected. The boys were subjected to seeing things they shouldn't, such as their mother taking drugs, slipping into alcoholism and sleeping around. It went on for years but all came to a head a few years ago when Alex was apparently sick and Jean refused to acknowledge him. Jeff ended up taking Alex and Matt to his Dad's house and hasn't spoken to his mum since.

Now obviously there is nothing I could do about this, but when you look back I could see this happening, I wish there was something I could have done, I still do. I am not sure what to think and I probably will end up making this entry private because I don't want to air someone else' private problems across the internet. Still though... in shock!

(I got 3 lovers!! | Am I special?)

Thursday, August 1st, 2013

2:59 am

I get home from work and you're still standing in your dressing gown
Well what am I to do?
I know all the things around your head and what they do to you
What are we coming to?
What are we gonna do?

Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home

The troubled words of a troubled mind I try to understand what is eating you
I try to stay awake but its 58 hours since that I last slept with you
What are we coming to?
I just don't know anymore

Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home

I get on the train and I just stand about now that I don't think of you
I keep falling over I keep passing out when I see a face like you
What am I coming to?
I'm gonna melt down

Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home
This is killing me
This is killing me

(Am I special?)

Thursday, June 6th, 2013

- gush gush gush gush

3:57 am

So it's that time of day again, when I'm physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted from bottling up all that swims around in side me. I hit this point and generally go to bed, letting my mind shut off and sleep wash over me like a wave to carry everything away again for one more day. Dreams gather up my baggage once more and I squash it all back in side ready to do it all once again. Ready to put on that max factor smile. A vinyl facade for the world to see, covering the cracks in an all too weathered inside.

Tonight though I will lay it out. I won't try and hide it, I won't be ashamed of what I am or what I feel.

Yesterday. That is where it all exists. Not Yesterday in a sense of before the sun last came up, but a symbol of a time that once was. I don't know when yesterday started, I don't know when it ended. I just know that it has. Yesterday I started by hiding all these things I hide today. I hid them away daily and let the night wash them away. Yet these things were different then. They were doves, white and graceful, they could soar if I let them, but I was ashamed to let them free. I hid the beauty that was in side. I hid them from everyone.

Then one day, yesterday I let them fly, I let them fly for you. I opened up and you helped me see the beauty in these birds I hid away. How did you do it? I don't know. I guess I just felt able to show you what I am. I gave you a part of me to hold that was never before seen. You took it willingly, you held it and smiled. A smile that melted every barrier I've ever had.

Then as quickly as yesterday started, it was gone. Now I feel like that part of me never left yesterday. It still lives there, trying to find you again. But you left yesterday too. Now I am lost.

(I got 1 lover!! | Am I special?)

Wednesday, May 29th, 2013

- I little known fact about me.

11:13 pm

I would love to live in America at some point between 1925 and 1960. Living in the industrial age, with all the promise for the future. I don't know why, I'd probably be dirt poor during the depression. However whenever I see an image of that sort of era, I always fall in love with it.

Isn't it beautifulCollapse )

more here:

(Am I special?)

Wednesday, January 9th, 2013

- Really feeling like I don't belong

1:41 am

In just about everything.

I work a job that I am no good at because I can't balance what I need to do with what I feel I should do.

I feel awkward going out into the world, severe anxiety makes it feel like I am a lamb in a den of lions. Constantly looking for a way out, for a way to bolt amd save myself.

My list of friends grows ever shorter. Everyone becomes an acquaintance and so the above anxiety comes into play and I don't belong in the presence of anyone.

Even when I sleep, I feel like an outsider. Always trying to escape this life for something else.

From every "Normal" person to every fringe belief or characteristic or anything... no one feels the same. No one has ever felt the same. I have never heard anyone speak of something and felt "that's like me, I get that" ,

Where the fuck do I belong? The list of places to try grows ever shorter. I don't want to reach the last place on the list. But maybe I will. Maybe that is where I belong? Im at 0 right now. I can only go another 6 feet further dowm the list.

(I got 3 lovers!! | Am I special?)

Thursday, December 20th, 2012

- Stream

2:07 am

How can honey cut so deep.
A white so red it bleeds.
Kitten with viper's fangs
A bitter kind of mead
You only hear the words I speak
Never knowing what I mean
Another images flashes past
But no idea what you've seen

(Am I special?)

Thursday, September 27th, 2012

- Sick to the back teeth of socially acceptable discrimination!

7:17 pm


The above is quite a vile and shocking statement, no?

Where did the statement come from, and why am I posting it here? Well the where is simple. I said it, on my twitter, about 45 minutes or so ago. The why however will need more explaining.

No before I carry on, I want to make it crystal clear that I don't mean what I wrote, or agree with it's sentiments, in fact while I was writing it I actually felt physically repulsed at myself, even though I know I don't mean it. It's just... wrong on every level.

So why then? Well it's a sentence that I have read before, a number of times, from people on my twitter, with only two small amendments. Change the word "retard" for something along the lines of "scroat's Vaginal droppings" "chav's filth spawn" or even a more socially acceptable "child". Then change the word "groaning" with "crying" "screaming" or "tantruming". Do that and you now have something which seems to crop up on a daily basis on my twitter feed and to a lesser extent, here on Livejournal.

Understandably and quite rightly I have had a fair few replies on twitter denouncing the tweet. They have been quite nicely worded as well. I guess because people are either thinking that it's not like me to say, or they are worried that they misread it because it's so out of left field. Thanks guys for keeping faith in me and having diplomatic tongues. Not one of my twitter followers agreed with the tweet.

However when we change the sentance to the oft posted one about children, usually there's a couple or more replies along the lines of "I totally agree" or "I know, I had a similar experience and it's awful"

Why? Well maybe someone will comment below and redirect me to a Wiki page of logical fallacies or something, arguing that it's totally different. The question is why. The "retard" or person with obvious special needs/mental dissabilities is someone who cannot control their actions. Someone who relies on someone else to live their life, they are someone who has an annoying trait in that they groan loudly and they also have a need to get around. All the traits of a child in a similar scenario. The fact is that the two scenarios are very comparable, but the reactions are very different.

So the point? Well the point is I'm sick to the back teeth of hearing discriminatory statements towards parents and young children, almost as much as I'm sick of how ok this apparently is. It's actually offensive and upsetting to me as a parent to read that a noisy child shouldn't be allowed to use public transport and is something that should be kept away because it annoys someone. I don't like it and I hope maybe if you've made a similar statement or had similar feelings in the past, this will go someway to make you realise that it's not ok to treat children like a lesser human or to suggest that they should be kept away from you.

Thank you for listening.

(I got 7 lovers!! | Am I special?)

Thursday, September 20th, 2012

- Can we get this straight please?

3:40 pm


Why? Because every single penny of the tuition fees is covered by student loans for pretty much everyone bar really rich people. If anything it's easier because now the loan is paid to the university directly. Before you had to have the money yourself and get it back which for many was a major block to getting into university.

Now the loans do need to be paid back when you leave education and you earn over £21k a year. The loan is paid back as before at a rate depending on what you are paid. There are no bailiffs if you don't earn enough and can't afford the loans, it just eats a little into your income. Not massively, a little. You also need to pay back the loan if you leave education early. IE if you quit.

The latter two points are the ones which have made uni entrances drop. Because now people think more about going to uni. You know what? SO THEY SHOULD!! It shouldn't be a light choice just because. You go for a good reason! You go because you want to get a degree and you go to better yourself. You do that, good on you.

So with that said, why on earth is everyone complaining? Am I eating stupid pills or something? I feel like I'm going crazy! I just can't see the problem here.

(I got 9 lovers!! | Am I special?)

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